Why I regret working at my daughters daycare

Fresh out of University I was on the lookout for my very first teaching job as a Primary School teacher. Full of hope and a "can't get me down" attitude I applied for role after role after role, and didn't even get to the interview stages. My optimistic outlook quickly plummeted and I would dread applying for yet another role. I tweaked my CV, I changed my cover letter over and over and nothing could sell me. In hindsight I actually believe it was the maternity leave sections in my CV that were seen by the hiring teams. Most employers will look at a mother of three young children and go "hell no, that's sick leave overload", and I don't blame then for that because it is actually the truth, the sick leave for the kids is unfathomable. 

A month later I saw a job listing at my daughters daycare, perfect I thought, I could spend all day with my girl, tick off my registration and have a nice easy entry into the teaching profession. I went into the job interview bright eyed and bushy tailed and super excited to spend time with the kaiako who had been looking after Chloe for the last two years, and who I thought I had built a great relationship with as a parent. I thought this job was meant to be. 

Well, the hours were hard. Closing at 5.30 three nights a week was tough on my young kids. I would get home after spending 8 hours with 36 toddlers and preschoolers, to then muster the energy to love on my own. It was a deeply emotional sink-hole. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of love to give, but I realised quickly that it was at the expense of my own babies. 

The initial settling period with Chloe was challenging because she found it challenging to share me, to allow me to give attention to these other children. She would hang off me, scream, cry, throw tantrums - daily. It was so toxic for her having me there and of course I will always be her mother first, so I likely didn't help that transition. It didn't get better over the time between starting and today, my last day. 

Now we have an extra problem on top of that, her trying to wrap her head around me NOT being there with her anymore. She feels uncertain and unsure of her daycare, with Mum leaving has also made the leaving of her friends to school just that much more difficult. I realise now that I have made her safe place at daycare, feel inconsistent and strange. If you ever read this Chloe I truly am sorry for this period of life being so tumultuous, I'm doing the best I can my love. I hope you can forgive me.

My relationships with the kaiako have suffered dramatically. Because of my constant need to be home with my children sick, I was made to feel like a villian and this did eat me, it's made me feel guilty and sick to my stomach for letting the team down. But here's the thing, and this is something you should absolutely read if you're an employer or manager - Mothers/default parents feel guilty every single day about a million different things. Did we feed them enough breakfast? Was it healthy enough? Did i dress them warm enough? I yelled at them last night am I fucking them up? I forgot to buy/sign xyz form, are they going to miss out.... don't make me feel guilt please for something I can't control. I do not control sickness, I don't choose for my children to have to stay home. We feel bad enough taking the day off work but our family should always be first. This is the reality of being a parent. We do what we can, the best we can, with no malice behind those decisions. So, like I said, the relationships have broken down. I now have to see people that hate me every day for the next two months (until Chloe goes to school) for something I can't control.

Another reason I regret it, is that I have seen sides of Chloe I wish I was still ignorant to. Like most parents, you only see your child as your angel. Yes they can be cheeky and test boundaries but they are without fault... until you watch them make someone cry on purpose. Until you see them ignore another child saying "no I don't like it" when playing a game (eg, playing zombies and getting up in each other's faces) and they continue to do it worse. I know she's a good kid, a wonderful beautiful angel, but I can't help wonder where she learned to be mean like that? It certainly makes you question your parenting.

I will regret making strong bonds with the children. Gosh they were beautiful kids, and the families so supportive. 

But I won't regret choosing what's right for me and my family and finding another job. I won't regret leaving an environment that made me feel depressed (if you are a friend of mine you have likely heard my ranting about it). I won't regret giving it a try, and learning some new information and skills along the way. 

Onwards and upwards friends, even if it feels like the upwards is a crawl today.

Have you ever had a work regret? Tell me about it ❣️