Take #20 (TW: Depression)

I have about 20 draft blog posts sitting in my drafts. Important note, they are half finished. Why? Well, I think I am a bit depressed. Yep, this is a heavy chat for a Monday, but it's relevant, and it's what I am feeling at this time. Plus, it needs to be normalised, doesn't it? The never-ending battle against mental health stigma continues. I am but another person pushing to make depression known and loud, especially when they are hidden behind pretty smiles and perfect happy social media pictures.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD, which to most people who know me well, did not surprise them. The reaction from the people that love me was mainly along the lines of "oh yeah, that makes sense, cool! So now what?". The response of the people that Say they love me was, "Oh, well, you got what you wanted, didn't you?" (meaning medication and a label). That second reaction was when I was initially diagnosed in 2020 - my first year of University when I experienced academic learning for the first time since I finished high school in 2009, and I was punched in the face with the difficulties of time management expectations, focus expectations (to learn the content), raising my first child, and just *existing*. I want it to be known; I never wanted those things. Am I happy for them? Yes! Because I know how my brain works now and how I can use strategies to help me function normally.

That following year was great; my second year of study went well! I could focus, had a routine with Chloe, achieved consistently high grades, loved my placement and even better? We got ready to welcome a sibling for Chloe. Or, well, two siblings in our case!

I spent a lot of my year with the boys in a state of depressive fog. I'm not even going to sugarcoat it. So many people ask how I do it, how I did it with the newborn stage. I didn't really... I survived off anxiety, adrenaline, pure grit, determination and belief that it would get better. And it did, and it still does. At the time, I cried. Every night I would cry, and every night I asked myself if I did the right thing having more than Chloe. Sometimes I hated them, the boys; more often, I hated myself for f***ing everything up. But I got up and tried my best to pour love into all three kids. I was pouring drops out of the bottom of a glass that hadn't been topped up in months, a liquid that was dripping but was coagulated and so slow to reach the kid's glasses. I joined playgroups; we went swimming; I took them everywhere I could - to MOTAT, to the Zoo. I tried to meet with my multiples mum friends. I did it all just to get through. During this time, I was also off my ADHD medication, which, while I recognise isn't a fix to ADHD, it certainly helped.

Throughout that year, I was trying to balance breastfeeding twins (another point of absolute heartbreak for me, but a discussion for another day), raising Chloe (who, if I'm honest, was so mean to her brothers. She hated them and it's only now getting better), and preparing for what my husband likes to call "Hell Year". Yes, an inspiring name... certainly gives hope for what this year could become. And man, this year was so lonely. It's hard to feel connected to people when you have nothing left. And being at different life stages creates a challenge also. A lot of my friends, and yes, absolutely, they tried thier very best to be there, were at a different point than me. Kids were older; they had work or study and thier own routines back, and they didn't have time to spend with me at home in my blanket fort of sadness. I spent so many nights feeling cold, without someone to talk to because I felt like my problems were irrelevant or not big enough to speak to my friends about when they had so much going on themselves. So I let it manifest, and if I'm honest, I'm guilty of doing it still, and I think I always will be - a flaw that I need serious reflection on. There is something so different about your second kid/s. You have so much love and support around you the first time, and I wonder if people assume you'll be ok on round two. You've done it once before; you're an experienced mother! Well... I think mums need more support for the subsequent children. If you've got a mate having her 2nd, 3rd etc. child, please check on them.

So on the back of all this, do I feel better a year on? Yes, in some ways, I suppose. I have some freedom back with my children in daycare and time for myself to study something I am so passionate about. But in other ways - no. Now we have the financial strain of a "hell year". I won't get into the breakdown of the financial stuff because that is a sting that each and every one of us in the world is feeling - and incoming recession, inflation through the roof, cost of living crushing us, and I do not need to break that down for you to know that you understand. I have the pressure of three children getting sick at least once a week and having to drop it all to tend to them while still maintaining my studies. My friendships fading because we are just too busy for each other - who do I talk to? My body and weight rapidly rise to meet the stress and exhaustion from exerting so much emotional energy and from the sleepless nights with the boys up and down — relationship strain.

I'm feeling rough, you guys; I thought it would get better. And most of it did; the boys are sunshine. No kids can compare to how perfect my little mates are. Chloe is growing into a strong girl who makes me so proud (if not a little stressed). But where am I in all this, beyond my chronic imposter syndrome? Where am I? Who am I? How do I find happiness again and not just mere: "ok-ness"?

Please let me know in the comments below if you have any comments or advice about this writing. If you yourself are experiencing feelings of depression, please know there are avenues you can take to talk to people. Myself being one, but also most workplaces have EAP services, your GP and Plunket (if applicable) have places they can refer you to. You can also contact the Depression Helpline at 0800 111 757 or Youthline at 0800 376 633 (or TXT 234). I am sure there are many more, and I will add these to a separate post in the future.

Thanks for reading, I hope to talk soon x

A little survival picture from the early days, out in nature for my own sanity